I am scared of a lot of things in life...

I am scared of a lot of things in life... spider, the dark, bees, wasps, small places the list goes on and on, but nothing scared me as much as my mind in the dark night, hopelessly tossing and turning in bed trying to sleep, trying to NOT THINK! 

I tried lots of different things from filling my days up with distractions after distractions, activity after activity. Overworking myself every single day, until I was physically and mental drained, surly I would be able to sleep then! surly I could escape my mind! 

Unfortunately not! My night was still filled with thoughts after thoughts, panic attacks after panic attacks! 

The next step medication! 

I remember when I went to get the medication, I snapped at my friend who was just trying to have a laugh but I just so desperately wanting to make the right decision! The right decision so that I could finally sleep so that I could finally escape! So I could finally not want to end it all as soon as I was alone and my mind was free to take over! 

“Take 30 minutes before bedtime” it said on the packaging, I took it while I was still around people, still Busy! 30 minutes before I was due to be alone! And double the dose I was meant to! I was just so desperate I didn’t even want to give my mind the chance. Once I got home my mind was foggy I was too tired to think and I fell straight to sleep! I was so happy, I finally found an escape! But it was short lived. A few hours later I was woken by the same nightmare that haunted me every night shortly followed by panic attacks and the overbearing thinking and thinking with no turn off! 

Anti-anxiety meds was next one.

When I got prescribed them The doctors warned me that at first it would make my anxiety heighten, they most definitely wasn’t lying about that! I would go through the day constantly shaking struggling to write from my hands trembling, I felt like I was on the verge of crying or breaking down every second of the day. And the worst part when I was alone it was 10 times worse! I knew that this wasn’t an option for me, I knew that I wasn’t strong enough! Even if it would get better after, I didn’t have the faith that I would survive through it to get to that point! 

Alcohol became a big part of my life at this point! I knew that when I was sleeping because of my alcohol intake I wasn’t getting the proper quality of rest that I needed, but I was finally getting that escape! I would wake up in the morning feeling more tired than when I went to bed, but I didn’t care I was just so scared of being alone with my mind! After a bit of this the alcohol started to have a negative effect on me, every time I would drink it was like it would weaken me! I wasn’t able to keep my feelings and thoughts at bay anymore even with distractions! It was like my whole body was tired of holding it all in and it was just ready to explode! I would have a breakdown in front of my friends tears after tears and I was literally incapable of holding it in! 

I used to be the kind of person who enjoyed being alone and now it scared me! 

I used to be the kind of person who would sleep with ease and now my mind wouldn’t let me.

I knew I had to do something but I didn’t know what! When you was a little kid and you are scared of the monsters under the bed there was things you could do, you could check under the bed, you could even sleep with the light on, get your parents to check under the bed. But when the monsters are in your head the options are limited! 

I knew that it wasn’t going to be easy but I knew that I couldn’t continue to live like this! So instead of scrolling through social media that night trying to distract myself from my thoughts I search the web in the hope of finding something that could help. I came across meditation and all it’s benefits. This scares me more than anything as I knew that I would have to sit quietly with no distractions from my mind but I was willing to try anything! At first it was so hard I struggle so much to silence my mind from the constant overthinking but i stuck with it! After a bit it began to get easier and easier! The Panic attacks became less and less frequent until eventually they stop, I began to feel happy throughout the day and not just distracted, then came the peaceful well rested nights, with no nightmares! I became calm my mind became calm I no longer need to escape it! I finally enjoy my time alone again and don’t feel the need to constantly fill it with distractions or people who don’t add to my life. I still find my mind trying to slip back into old habits but I find I have more control over my thoughts. It wasn’t an easy journey but I feel so much more grateful and happy and most of all calm! Meditation might be something that people judge, might be something that people associate with hippies and people have too much time on their hands. but me, I see it as the thing that saved my life! I may have  got threw this dark patch but I still have a long way to go to get where I want to be, but I know that I am on the right path. I am slowly learning to fill my life with thing that bring me joy and peace, but most importantly self love!

Fake it till you make it... just not with everything

"Fake it till you make it" is something i use to say and use a lot, and sometimes it works wonders.
For example, your confidence! when you're going to a new place or a job interview or just somewhere you just generally don't feel too confident, faking your confidence can work wonders and get you threw your shy times. I also found that "fake it till you make it" with my confidence actually aloud me to build my confidence quite a lot. 

Unfortunately "fake it till you make it" isn't something you should apply to everything, or at least not the only thing. For example, your mental health. Seeing how well "fake it till you make it" worked with my confidence i applied this to other areas in my life too.. like my mental health. At first it seemed to be going well, I even manged to convinced myself I was okay, but then it would all come crumbling down. You see the thing is when i was just faking being okay i wasn't actually acknowledging or working threw the reason that lead me to feel this way in the first places. Instead of a person with depression who couldn't get herself out of bed or function properly, I became a person with high functioning depression, but one who wasn't willing to admit it. I manged to get myself a job, make friends and have a social life, all the things "happy" none depressed people do... right? Once i was finished at work or socializing with my friends that is when it would all hit me, but instead of admitting the truth I would just put it down to loneliness, not even willing to think about let alone say that i was still dealing with depression. 

Instead of working threw my depression I would just try to fill my loneliness, so that I could get back up and "Fake it till you make it". This lead me to filling my time and distracting my self with people who would treat me less that i deserved, just so i could have the life of an "okay" person. I became a person who would get herself worth from people liking her, being in a relationship, and making other happy. Constantly trying to be and act the way other people wanted me to or at least how "happy people" acted. 

The truth is I wasn't okay at all, The "fake" okay would come crumbling down so many times just for me to build it back up for it to crumble down again the processes would just keep repeating itself, crumbling, building, crumbling, building and so on. Until eventually it came crumbling down so hard that there was just no way to rebuild it. I became so determined to keep the fake act up that I would let people and things into my life that took away from who i was, not only was I letting people treat me less that I deserved, I was treating my self less that I deserved just so I could fake it. In doing all this I just chipped at myself even more. which is something I had to face when the fake crumbled.

When it all crumbled down it was one of the darkest, hardest, and scariest times of my life. I tried so hard to build it back up so desperately just so I didn't have to admit the truth. I didn't want to admit that I was dealing with depression, I didn't want to put the work in that I knew it would require, I didn't want to be known as anything but my happy and hyper personality, I didn't want to admit the way I had let my self be treated or even treated my self just to fake being okay, but most of all I didn't want to admit the way that I had treated others just so I could cling on to the act.

After trying so many different ways to build it back up and desperately cling on to being "okay" and them all failing, I slowly had to admit the truth to myself. As hard as this was to do I am so grateful that I had to, because I now have the opportunity to drop the act, and truthfully holding it and rebuilding it was just so tiring. but more importantly I have the opportunity to work on myself. To like and love myself, instead of sacrificing this so others would like me. Find my own self worth, instead of letting others treat me less that I deserve. To calm my own mind, instead of constantly filling my life with distraction so I don't have time to think. To accept my past and be grateful for the things it has taught me. Most importantly I can work on forgiving myself, something I tried to give so freely to others but not to myself.  

I would just like to say to anyone going threw mental health struggles that I know how hard it can be to admit the truth, but covering it up and saying "I am fine" when you're not doesn't help. Mental health does not make you weak or somebody who isn't worthy, it just simply means you're human and this life is hard sometimes. As hard as it is the first step is admitting it! The people who truly love you will support you and understand, and the people who don't, you will soon come to realizes they aren't the right people for your life!