Friday 23 August 2019

Fake it till you make it... just not with everything

"Fake it till you make it" is something i use to say and use a lot, and sometimes it works wonders.
For example, your confidence! when you're going to a new place or a job interview or just somewhere you just generally don't feel too confident, faking your confidence can work wonders and get you threw your shy times. I also found that "fake it till you make it" with my confidence actually aloud me to build my confidence quite a lot. 

Unfortunately "fake it till you make it" isn't something you should apply to everything, or at least not the only thing. For example, your mental health. Seeing how well "fake it till you make it" worked with my confidence i applied this to other areas in my life too.. like my mental health. At first it seemed to be going well, I even manged to convinced myself I was okay, but then it would all come crumbling down. You see the thing is when i was just faking being okay i wasn't actually acknowledging or working threw the reason that lead me to feel this way in the first places. Instead of a person with depression who couldn't get herself out of bed or function properly, I became a person with high functioning depression, but one who wasn't willing to admit it. I manged to get myself a job, make friends and have a social life, all the things "happy" none depressed people do... right? Once i was finished at work or socializing with my friends that is when it would all hit me, but instead of admitting the truth I would just put it down to loneliness, not even willing to think about let alone say that i was still dealing with depression. 

Instead of working threw my depression I would just try to fill my loneliness, so that I could get back up and "Fake it till you make it". This lead me to filling my time and distracting my self with people who would treat me less that i deserved, just so i could have the life of an "okay" person. I became a person who would get herself worth from people liking her, being in a relationship, and making other happy. Constantly trying to be and act the way other people wanted me to or at least how "happy people" acted. 

The truth is I wasn't okay at all, The "fake" okay would come crumbling down so many times just for me to build it back up for it to crumble down again the processes would just keep repeating itself, crumbling, building, crumbling, building and so on. Until eventually it came crumbling down so hard that there was just no way to rebuild it. I became so determined to keep the fake act up that I would let people and things into my life that took away from who i was, not only was I letting people treat me less that I deserved, I was treating my self less that I deserved just so I could fake it. In doing all this I just chipped at myself even more. which is something I had to face when the fake crumbled.

When it all crumbled down it was one of the darkest, hardest, and scariest times of my life. I tried so hard to build it back up so desperately just so I didn't have to admit the truth. I didn't want to admit that I was dealing with depression, I didn't want to put the work in that I knew it would require, I didn't want to be known as anything but my happy and hyper personality, I didn't want to admit the way I had let my self be treated or even treated my self just to fake being okay, but most of all I didn't want to admit the way that I had treated others just so I could cling on to the act.

After trying so many different ways to build it back up and desperately cling on to being "okay" and them all failing, I slowly had to admit the truth to myself. As hard as this was to do I am so grateful that I had to, because I now have the opportunity to drop the act, and truthfully holding it and rebuilding it was just so tiring. but more importantly I have the opportunity to work on myself. To like and love myself, instead of sacrificing this so others would like me. Find my own self worth, instead of letting others treat me less that I deserve. To calm my own mind, instead of constantly filling my life with distraction so I don't have time to think. To accept my past and be grateful for the things it has taught me. Most importantly I can work on forgiving myself, something I tried to give so freely to others but not to myself.  

I would just like to say to anyone going threw mental health struggles that I know how hard it can be to admit the truth, but covering it up and saying "I am fine" when you're not doesn't help. Mental health does not make you weak or somebody who isn't worthy, it just simply means you're human and this life is hard sometimes. As hard as it is the first step is admitting it! The people who truly love you will support you and understand, and the people who don't, you will soon come to realizes they aren't the right people for your life! 


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