I tried lots of different things from filling my days up with distractions after distractions, activity after activity. Overworking myself every single day, until I was physically and mental drained, surly I would be able to sleep then! surly I could escape my mind!
Unfortunately not! My night was still filled with thoughts after thoughts, panic attacks after panic attacks!
The next step medication!
I remember when I went to get the medication, I snapped at my friend who was just trying to have a laugh but I just so desperately wanting to make the right decision! The right decision so that I could finally sleep so that I could finally escape! So I could finally not want to end it all as soon as I was alone and my mind was free to take over!
“Take 30 minutes before bedtime” it said on the packaging, I took it while I was still around people, still Busy! 30 minutes before I was due to be alone! And double the dose I was meant to! I was just so desperate I didn’t even want to give my mind the chance. Once I got home my mind was foggy I was too tired to think and I fell straight to sleep! I was so happy, I finally found an escape! But it was short lived. A few hours later I was woken by the same nightmare that haunted me every night shortly followed by panic attacks and the overbearing thinking and thinking with no turn off!
Anti-anxiety meds was next one.
When I got prescribed them The doctors warned me that at first it would make my anxiety heighten, they most definitely wasn’t lying about that! I would go through the day constantly shaking struggling to write from my hands trembling, I felt like I was on the verge of crying or breaking down every second of the day. And the worst part when I was alone it was 10 times worse! I knew that this wasn’t an option for me, I knew that I wasn’t strong enough! Even if it would get better after, I didn’t have the faith that I would survive through it to get to that point!
Alcohol became a big part of my life at this point! I knew that when I was sleeping because of my alcohol intake I wasn’t getting the proper quality of rest that I needed, but I was finally getting that escape! I would wake up in the morning feeling more tired than when I went to bed, but I didn’t care I was just so scared of being alone with my mind! After a bit of this the alcohol started to have a negative effect on me, every time I would drink it was like it would weaken me! I wasn’t able to keep my feelings and thoughts at bay anymore even with distractions! It was like my whole body was tired of holding it all in and it was just ready to explode! I would have a breakdown in front of my friends tears after tears and I was literally incapable of holding it in!
I used to be the kind of person who enjoyed being alone and now it scared me!
I used to be the kind of person who would sleep with ease and now my mind wouldn’t let me.
I knew I had to do something but I didn’t know what! When you was a little kid and you are scared of the monsters under the bed there was things you could do, you could check under the bed, you could even sleep with the light on, get your parents to check under the bed. But when the monsters are in your head the options are limited!
I knew that it wasn’t going to be easy but I knew that I couldn’t continue to live like this! So instead of scrolling through social media that night trying to distract myself from my thoughts I search the web in the hope of finding something that could help. I came across meditation and all it’s benefits. This scares me more than anything as I knew that I would have to sit quietly with no distractions from my mind but I was willing to try anything! At first it was so hard I struggle so much to silence my mind from the constant overthinking but i stuck with it! After a bit it began to get easier and easier! The Panic attacks became less and less frequent until eventually they stop, I began to feel happy throughout the day and not just distracted, then came the peaceful well rested nights, with no nightmares! I became calm my mind became calm I no longer need to escape it! I finally enjoy my time alone again and don’t feel the need to constantly fill it with distractions or people who don’t add to my life. I still find my mind trying to slip back into old habits but I find I have more control over my thoughts. It wasn’t an easy journey but I feel so much more grateful and happy and most of all calm! Meditation might be something that people judge, might be something that people associate with hippies and people have too much time on their hands. but me, I see it as the thing that saved my life! I may have got threw this dark patch but I still have a long way to go to get where I want to be, but I know that I am on the right path. I am slowly learning to fill my life with thing that bring me joy and peace, but most importantly self love!
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